Intrepid Girl Reporter

Sunday, 10/26: the starting line
October 26, 2008, 11:37 pm
Filed under: life progress, pipe dreams | Tags: , ,

I have this thing about finishing, which is to say that I can’t do it. I don’t finish sandwiches or the crusts off slices of pie. I read like thirteen books at one time. (And then I forget to return them before they’re due, which is why I won’t be going back to the Johnson City Public Library any time soon.) And, needless to say, I have five million projects going on at any given time.

I’m not sure that the subconscious reasons behind my failure to complete anything bear deep analysis – I sort of know what they are and they’re nothing terribly important or life-changing – but I do believe that this failure, itself, might pose a problem at some point. Which is why I am starting a new movement in my life in which I will make a sincere effort to finish things I’m already doing before moving on to other projects. To wit: THE ORANGE HAT.

The woman from the Embassy who worked with us on MSYDP (I’ll leave out her name, although, as previously mentioned, it’s not liking knowing a Korean person’s name will help you to identify them in any way) just had a baby, and I wanted to practice my circular knitting skills and make her a gift. I realize that the color of the hat makes it look like Baby’s either cheering for the Vols or Going A-Hunting (possibly deer or turkey), but I chose that hue because the hat is going to be in the shape of an orange*, which makes it both an orange hat (color) and an orange hat (shape). This will be the most delicious baby on the block. Anyway, I am planning on finishing it before starting one of the million other projects I have lined up. Largely because I don’t want the baby to outgrow it.

Speaking of the Vols (awkward segue apologies), I had a brilliant inspiration this weekend while watching yet another marching band competition. Here are the new divisions of collegiate football, as conceived by me.


  • LSU Tigers
  • Louisville Cardinals
  • Florida Gators
  • Texas Longhorns
  • Michigan Wolverines
  • Oregon State Beavers
  • Wisconsin Badgers
  • Michigan Tech/UConn Huskies
  • Minnesota Gophers (please note: there would be a separate championship bowl for rodents, with the Badgers grandfathered in)
  • Oregon Ducks
  • Texas (San Antonio) Roadrunners
  • Delaware Fightin’ Blue Hens
  • et al.


  • Indiana Hoosiers
  • Tennessee Volunteers
  • Oklahoma Sooners
  • any school with the name “Raiders” or “Blaze”
  • North Carolina Tar Heels
  • Alabama Crimson Tide
  • Western Kentucky Hilltoppers
  • Purdue Boilermakers
  • Notre Dame Fightin’ Irish
  • Florida State Seminoles
  • Wake Forest Demon Deacons
  • Virginia Tech Hokies
  • Penn State Nittany Lions
  • Syracuse Orange
  • Akron Zips
  • Miami Hurricanes
  • Georgetown Hoyas
  • et al.


  • Kentucky/Arizona Wildcats (category too broad, as many cats are wild: bobcat, mountain lion, ocelot, feral house pet)
  • Kansas Jayhawks (looks like a real bird but can find no record of such)
  • Arizona State Sun Devils (too cute to be as evil as claimed)
  • Cincinnati Bearcats (real animal but neither bear nor cat)
  • Iowa Hawkeyes (despite Scooter and Soccer’s assurances, NOT A REAL BIRD. Also, the mascot itself is a hawk, which is simply deceptive)
  • and so on, and so forth.

This way, all athletic matches can be visualized as actual fights, and the odds of a gopher beating a duck in general play can be fairly speculated upon. What say you, O Best Beloved?

*Actually it’s going to be a hallabong.

**Funny story: I, too, have suffered the indignity of a vague mascot. When I was in middle school, our school’s mascot was the Crusaders (because the school’s name was King – yes, really), and during my seventh grade year we had to choose mascots for our teams as well. Almost unbelievably, the teachers selected my friend Holly’s selection: the Everyday Heroes. This is why King Middle School eventually collapsed into a sinkhole and had to be vacated.


4 Comments so far
Leave a comment

Hallabong hat? MAKE ME ONE! Or start me one…

Aren’t you the hallabong once you wear an orange hat, though?

I, too, was watching marching band competitions. My university had no football team or band, but it fits in your second league there: the Denver Pioneers. Yeup, that’s right. Our mascot for the nonce is a red-tailed hawk. WHUT

Comment by grayshifter

I have never worn a hallabong hat, so I can’t vouch for whether or not you turn into one. If I had to guess, I would say probably.

What were you doing watching band competitions?

Comment by IGR

i can’t believe you forgot the colonels…

Comment by Marie

1. Adorable
2. Miss you

Comment by Soccer

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