Intrepid Girl Reporter


Tuesday, 10/28: somewhere
October 29, 2008, 4:04 am
Filed under: life progress

This is the first time I have not actively anticipated fall. This year the change in seasons reflects nothing so much as the breakdown in my plans, my panic at the unexpected when what’s unexpected is the lack of motion in any direction at all. I’ve been home for four months now, and while I won’t say I’m not closer to a job, this is not where I saw myself. And it’s that fact, and not my actual presence at home, that I find the most unnerving.

It snowed today a little bit, an occasion I would ordinarily find exhilarating but now only a signal that I’m hurtling toward another self-imposed deadline: Election Day. For personal reasons, and I wish this weren’t the case, I won’t be spending a lot of time at home that day. Which was what made it such a convenient date to set as a goal. Now it’s just another signpost. I can’t change the world from my living room, because I have no sense of the world outside this house, outside this town, or at least it feels that way.

I’m waiting to hear back from somewhere, but in the meantime, not being possessed of anything significant around which I can center my life, I’m struck occasionally by attacks of powerful nostalgia, mostly for streets and seasons and people with whom – last year, the year before, the year before that – I felt as though I was starting to sense a world larger than the one I knew. Now, of course, I wonder what happened. How could I not?

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1 Comment so far
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If you’ll excuse the weak metaphor, all my life I felt I was being groomed and prepped to do something amazing in the world. Now I make coffee in an office. Nostalgia has become the most powerful sensation in my life, and I’m 23.

Comment by grayshifter




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